Sometimes “You” just need to die.


I was going to name this post “I wanna kill myself,” then “sometimes I just wanna die.” But those sounded a little too suicidal, so I chose the current, still provocative, but milder title. Sometimes you and I do just need to die. What do I mean by that. Sometimes the person we’ve become, the fitness goals we’ve always wanted just need to end. Completely. There may be some rhyme and reason it to it, but sometimes we just feel like doing something different or making a 180 degree switch. It could be our instincts, or if I’m being honest, my instincts telling me this.

Some time ago I was out on a Saturday night in Williamsburg because I got tired of going to Manhattan on the weekends, and I hadn’t been to WB in a minute. So I took the subway there and I’m walking around, passing bars and people. I decided to go sit in the one the parks out there; where there are people walking by the park, bicycling, walking dogs, talking on the benches. Just a real nice, chill Saturday night vibe. And then it hit me, I was alone. Now I almost always go out alone, in fact I do everything alone, including workout. There’s a couple of reasons for this, first I tend to only have a small group of friends, most of whom live far way from NYC; two, I have a hard time making friends. I actually have a lot of frat brothers that live in NYC, but for some reason I never really seem to connect with them as far as just hanging out. I started think about a lot of things that happened between me and my friends (even the ones that live near and the ones that don’t, but visit a lot) and why they dont call, why we dont speak as much, etc. All of this sentimental type of stuff. Then I wondered why I haven’t just moved on and changed things, become more open, made new friends, etc.

I realized just this past Saturday, that I don’t know what the hell I want. I do know that I want something different from most people, which leads me to why I write this blog and  as someone who loves to workout, that was the most important moment I had in a very long time. I went to work the next Sunday feeling all open and confused, not sure if I was just tired from last night or just frustrated. I was at my old sales job, and I just did not want to be there anymore so I quit two days later.

That was the beginning of the end of my time living in NYC for the moment. And that led to a completely unexpected awakening and change in my life. A change that brought me closer to the person I need to become. But that is a story for next time..


No, it really is your fault.

I was riding the subway home a few days ago, changing trains at one the busiest train hubs in Brooklyn. As I was getting off a man and an apparently “handicapped woman” got into an argument over bumping into each other while they were both getting off the train. This woman yelled something at the man about respecting her because she needed a cane to walk or something like that. Now this woman who I actually sat next to on the train is overweight and rude when she first got on. She also was scarfing down cookies like crazy.

The way this women believed that she “got older” and magically couldn’t walk  anymore got me thinking abouthow we perceive ourselves and our bodies especially as we age. The fact is this; if you are an older person who has trouble walking, moving or lifting on your own-THAT IS YOUR OWN FAULT. Now Im not talking about people who had some injury or issue and their body deteriorated as they aged, I’m talking about the average older or elderly person. Even people who are younger adults as well. Many of the physical characteristics that we associate with aging don’t need to happen, such as loss of strength, weak bones, immobility, etc.

You can and should maintain some basic abilities and strength as you age, whether you are 30, 50 or even 80s years old. The only excuse is you!

76 Years old Bodybuilder Ernestine Shepherd.

76 Years old Bodybuilder Ernestine Shepherd.

Needing More

“It is ok to be sick of everything. Yes it is. There’s a difference between temporary unhappiness and getting up each day knowing that you need more and want more.”


I created this quote last night while trying to overcome a months-long writers block for a rant/philosophy type of book that I am trying to create (and this blog as well). I’m particularly proud of this quote for two reasons; it’s a good ass quote and I wrote it without thinking too much, straight from the heart. I feel and am living every word of this quote, literally and in spirit. For the last few months I have been unable to workout with the same intensity as before, my jobs (yes plural) suck, I’ve gained bad weight, my wallet is light and my living situation is not the best.

I don’t say this for pity, only to emphasize what got me to the point of writing this blog. The crappiness of the last few  months has inspired to write again, and served as a reminder to not  be too content into a life I really, really do not want. I do not want a normal 9-5 type job, I do not want to look or talk like the average person. I do want to make a living doing what I love which is “personal training.” I want to be able to travel, come home to peace and quiet, and make money-not to make money but to have the lifestyle I want.

Initially I decided to write this philosophy book as a type of personal therapy, as a way to share some things that I believed and was afraid to say. I’ve come to realize that the process of writing is causing me to learn more about who I need to be for myself. Something tells me that writing this book is going to be a good thing, whether it ends up selling or not. True leaders can only hide who they are for so long, but the real person is sitting inside them like a timid tiger in a toothpick cage; waiting to burst out, but afraid of being too powerful, too beautiful, ferocious, too seen.


Maybe that’s the reason why we tell ourselves that all we need a job making between 45-65k/year, a decent car, a wife and 2.3 kids. Maybe we are trying to hide and run away from who we are. There is a certain responsibility in following what  which we want, and responsibility creates a level of uncertainty that leads to fear, fear leads us to doubt and doubt turns us to mice, scurrying for the closest dark hole we can hide ourselves in.

When did we lose this spirit?

When did we lose this spirit?

But, I can’t do this anymore, I find myself needing more. I have day dreams about traveling to random places, meeting people I never expected and seeing things I’ll never forget. I used to just chalk these up things I wanted, things I could do when I had my vacation days from work. But know I need to experience these things. That’s just who I am, like a lot of people who often find themselves wandering. It could be from relationship to relationship, city to city, job to job,  crossfitter to powerlifter,vegan to omnivore to vegetarian. People will try and make you feel guilty about wanting to change or leave or find something new, but never feel ashamed to have  what is the nature of a wolf. Wolves often travel dozens of miles a day in search of food, mates, water, but even when they’re in a pack, with a full belly and water by the den-they still wander. It is in their nature, they need to roam. If you need to roam or do whatever to be happy and feel complete then just go after. I plan to, and I plan to write about it.